a goodbye to summer (and what I thought I wanted)
This fall feels like a shedding, like the way a butterfly breaks out of its cocoon and flies away dramatically different than before. It feels like a deep breath in before it goes out, it feels like writing down lists on lists for what has broken me simply to identify the path to healing.
The nostalgia of the summer is gone, the days of dreams and hopes transforming to something different… it’s coming. The words I wrote for warm, sticky days but never shared; I still feel them deep inside my bones.
This new season doesn’t replace the old, it doesn’t take away what once was joyful or hopeful or easy or light. No, new seasons simply layer life on top of each other.
a layer, after a layer, after another, and another.
Standing here, breathing deep - it’s hard. Finding my voice (as croaked and breaking as it is) to even speak sometimes is hard. Recognizing that the past two years were a cocoon at all, a safe, comfortable place to allow for a stagnant faith… it’s painful.
Goodbye, summer days. Muggy and hopeful and heated and full of longing; I’ve learned so much and yet nothing. Goodbye to what I thought I wanted, a reality that will never be. A dream from the past, the hopes I held so tightly vanishing slowly to nothing more than aching nostalgia.